How to Leave a Voicemail That's Worth Your Listener's Time

I hate voicemail. I hate seeing that red voicemail notification light.

There is nothing more tedious than hitting the "envelope" button --> # --> my four-digit PIN --> 3 --> 2 --> 0 only to hear a long-winded or misdirected message after which the caller leaves a phone number (or email address!) at lightning speed so that I have to listen to the rambling message all over again.

There is nothing I want to do less as I'm trying to escape my office for a vacation or tradeshow than to hit the "envelope" button --> # --> my PIN --> # --> 3 --> 1 --> 2 --> 1 --> --> # --> 0 --> --> #.

There is nothing I appreciate less than a "tsk tsk tsk" voicemail from someone who informs me upon my return to the office that my out-of-office voicemail greeting is out-of-date. And I sure don't like hitting the "envelope" button --> # --> my PIN --> # --> 3 --> 3 --> 1 --> 0 to reset it to my default greeting.

Michael Arrington's blog post "Think Before You Voicemail" mentions several reasons you shouldn't leave a voicemail. Number one in my book is that leaving, retrieving, listening to, and calling the caller in reply to a voicemail takes minutes. Writing an email, reading the email, and replying can take just seconds.

Voicemail is only superior to email in a few situations:

1. Sensitive topic: when the person you're calling must hear your tone or pace of voice to fully understand your meaning
2. Emergency: when you just can't wait for an email reply and must try to reach the person in every possible way for the fastest possible response
3. Cold call: if you think the person you're trying to reach won't read your email
4. Complex topic: if the topic is too complex or requires active conversation and decision making, and you're playing phone tag as a result (in which case you should schedule a call via email)

If you must leave a voicemail for someone you know, do it this way:
1. make it short (no more than 10 seconds)
2. make it audible (no cell phone calls from the car)
3. if it's time sensitive, leave some deadline for getting back to you
4. repeat your phone number twice (even if that person has it already)

Alternatively, make it funny as hell! (Sing me your personal "hold" music! Leave your best animal sound! Try a celebrity impression! Do anything to justify all that tedious button pressing.)

If you must leave a voicemail for someone you don't know, do it this way:
1. rehearse your message once before you call
2. make it short, but give enough time to explain who you are and why you're calling (15 seconds)
3. if it's time sensitive, find a polite way to say that
4. repeat your phone number twice
5. send a follow up email with all of the above plus a contact card (.vcs file) so the contact can choose how to get back to you

I'll call it right now: voicemail will go the way of the fax. People will still use it, but only under specific circumstances. Before then, we'll have to wait on Google Voice.